Monthly Archives: July 2012

LIFE IS (NOT) AS YOU SEE IT!

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So what you drive a Mercedes, there’s only one ride from out of this world, DEATH.

So what you sleep on a water bed, inside the soil is your final abode.

So what your closet is full of ‘Guccis’ and ‘Gabbannas’, the only clothing you’ll get afterwards is nothing but a white garment.

Your ‘dry lace’ is untouchable yeah? Wait till you are gone, it’ll be a meal for rats and cockroaches.

You are so overwhelmed with your body you forget to cleanse your soul, that body will still rotten.

You cannot spare 500 naira, but you are comfortable using a Blackberry Porsche, my dear, you think you can make calls up there?

Stay there and be collecting bribe, not a single kobo will be buried along with you.

Kill your house girl because she broke your Marc Jacobs’ Oh Lola, I’m sorry, but your dead body will stink worse than a dead rat.

You know all the lyrics to lil wayne’s tracks, how many of God’s words have you memorized?

Are you thinking before fornicating? Do you not want daughters of your own?

You still derive joy from smoking that pipe? Wait till judgment day, there’ll’ be more than enough ‘fire’ to inhale. Keep ‘puffing’ and ‘passing’.

Since when did your body become the ‘temple of Satan’, o dearest Sister?

How easy is it for you to tell a ‘life-costing’ lie? People stay dying for your misdeed, do you think you wouldn’t die too?

Life does not END with that 17,000 pounds rock on your finger, it shall not open for you heaven’s door.

THINK TODAY, CHANGE YOUR WAYS, OPEN YOUR EYES TO WHAT LIFE REALLY IS, COS, LIFE IS DEFINITELY NOT AS YOU SEE IT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Getting the memo

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I am told I was born (u think I want to write ‘with a silver spoon? Or without’ abi? Shioor) on the 5th of October in the earliest Nineties (90s)…People say I am part of this generation (I’m still trying to figure out how true this is though). Let me break it down a bit, for you ‘generational’ people…

First, I am trying to understand how these àGGMUB, LLNP, HML, HFD, GM, GN, LUL, HCD and several others like that, serve as forms of greetings. Like do you people wake in the morning and say GM to your folks and pow, you are out? I am worried for the subsequent generations. If people so young and even older ones regard this as being in the groove, then what does the future hold for those to come? I hope your kids will not answer questions as “Hey dear, how did your day go?” with “VWTUNM”. I bet you all don’t know a thing of that (Very Well Thank You Nothing Much), you see? It’s just annoying.

I am also still trying to place the Intelligence Quotient of a lot of this ‘generation’ people. When a twenty-something  year old guy, undoubtedly young, fresh from the university has nothing more worthwhile to do than sit 24hours of a day ‘bbm-ing’ or arguing soccer or staying glued to ‘Football Manager’, what can his IQ  level be? How rational can this individual be? Honestly! Or a young woman that’s only concerned with changing Peruvian hair, staying up-to-date with BBA and writing down lyrics to Beyonce’s or Adele’s, instead of occupying yourselves with positive, relevant knowledge. Wait! Isn’t this just wrong in every sense of it? I am very sure, 100%, that 9 out of every 10 university graduate in Nigeria here can barely name 10 countries in the world with their capitals. 10 countries!  out of the 196or so countries in the world. Like the people of the generation that I think I belong to would say, “Ori yin ti ku”. It’s appalling. When a person over 20years doesn’t know, I don’t know how a 15 year old will. Those ones are another story entirely.  (See #DearFutureChildren, if I ever catch you watching an entire movie on Afmag, I shall NOT hesitate to incarcerate you. Yes, incarcerate!)

Have I mentioned the names this ‘generation’ people call themselves, facebook definitely carries the worst. Ranging from Mc da Zanga, to Horlawhaley to Drew or Walexii or Fanta!!! There’s just too many crazy of them. I am proudly Monsurah, proudly! A name my wonderful parents proudly blessed me with. I’m not saying I do not have a nickname, I do. But it doesn’t sound anything like ‘zanga-related’.  Do I need to go to ‘their’ fashion style? It’s accursed. Male and female. ‘Rich’ or poor. I honestly cannot relate with seeing a guy’s pair of ‘fugly’ boxers (some of them are fine tho, but who really cares?). Does this exposure increase your chances of getting to heaven’s gates? HELL YEAH FXCKING WRONG! (Note: #DearFutureHusband, I reserve my intended comment. You are trusted enough to respect yourself). Need I talk about ‘ma ladies’? *heavy breath* I cry when I see them. Forget the color-blocing; focus on the tight-fitting dresses. How can a lady weighing over a 100kg feel comfortable wearing ‘leggings’ and blazers? I’m not even talking about the combination; I am just irritated by the ‘gory’ sight. Yes, gory. These people should be sued!!!

Need I talk about the general attitude towards making or spending ‘cheddars’? Excuse me, I do not get the memo when your father or mother doesn’t earn a 6-figure salary, you do whatever you do to make some ‘change’, change, and the next thing you do is ‘blowing the money fast’. Whatever happened to you investing?  You are not sad my dear. You are worst than pathetic!

Oh! I almost forgot the ‘twit-fights’ between 25year olds. Chei, I even remember seeing a 28year old man doing the peace sign to pose in a picture. And those annoying ones that take pictures to show their ipads or blackberry phones or international passports or wheels, and the list goes on. I weep for you. Serious weeping!

Several years down, and I am still battling with getting this generation’s memo! This sad generation!! *sigh*

Note: I am not completely innocent o, as I still take pictures of ‘Food’ too. X_X…

 

 

 

 

 

…AND YET ANOTHER REASON TO THANK GOD!

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…AND YET ANOTHER REASON TO THANK GOD!

It’s almost like a ‘norm’ for me to wake every morning and follow a particular routine. That ‘certainty’ of doing something ‘later’ is almost always there. This however, isn’t the reality of things. One moment Tayo is smiling, the next, he is gone. This is the true state of man. There is no certainty at all.  I wake every morning, walk to the rest room, with ease, I empty my bowels, clean myself ,by myself, stretch my body, perform ablution with water, observe my prayers with convenience, take my bath, brush my teeth, dress myself up, have breakfast and take a ride to work.  All these I do by myself, with no form of assistance from anyone, simply because I can. This is routine, this is what I see as normal. This is what a lot of us go through every day. This some say, is the ‘good life’. How sadly we forget those without limbs, those that cannot and may never be able to dress themselves, those who cannot and may never hear the cries of a child or the call to prayer, those who will never walk again, and those who cannot afford more than crumbs of bread as a day’s meal. Do you know anything about people with ‘terminal illnesses’? They live by moments. They are not sure of the next day or week or month. They, along with their families countdown to their last days. You count down to your wedding or your valedictory; they hope to stay a second more. It’s not by your might, power or status that you are where you are today. It is the will of God – the one who decides the condition of all creatures. I tell myself, why worry yourself over something you cannot change? Why complain of a situation you cannot help? Whatever happened to being patient, prayerful and thankful? We all have complained bitterly about how someone spoilt our telephone charger or how a ‘useless’ driver damages your ‘expensive’ car. Do I pick from those with medical problems? Or people with very high level of poverty? Or the physically challenged? Or those that have been psychologically damaged for life? I can’t even relate to all of these? I haven’t lost my sight. My speech is as clear as the clouds. My hands work perfectly well. My brain processes data just as it should. Oh, my digestive system is just perfect. I have not been diagnosed of cancer or renal failure. I have not lost a loved one. I eat whenever and whatever I want to. I am broke doesn’t mean I can’t afford to pay for my BIS. I try to look good and smell nice. And yet, I complain bitterly when I miss a movie, I scream at a taxi driver for wasting my ‘precious’ time, I engage in several vices, I fail in my religious obligations, I do not care about my neighbors or whoever, I can decide to destroy people’s lives or property. I LIVE WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE. I simply do not care. I believe that since I ‘struggled’ to be successful, why can’t others do same. Where were they when I labored for all I have today?

I cannot provide answers to your questions, but I can ask you: “Do you really believe you are all these by your power or might?” and “D o you think these will stay forever?” NO!!! Reflect and thank God for all you have and are today. For all these, are YET ANOTHER REASON TO THANK GOD!

Whats on your mind?

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This is something i wrote a ‘while’ back… Just read sha!

Before most people got familiar with the ‘new cool’ in town, they gave at least a hundred and 50 answers to this question…(doing some mental azonto)..answers that didnt really concern peeps like me (those of us that have a LIFE)…. Anyways, thats not my concern now. I’m trying, yes trying to share whats on my mind presently, this time 10.11p.m 21st March, 2012…. It’s a really long list…First, m thinking (actually hoping) to watch or even perform alongside 9ice and Tiwa in their duet…love the song (np Everything u do 9ice and Tiwa)…..2nd, if u reading dis, means u know me, and if u truly know me, u’d know how much i love and cherish my WRISTWATCHES…unfortunately, a very very bad thing seems to have happened…been looking for my ‘HOBNOT’…my only surrviving wristwatch…n now it seems gone..dont wanna believe it yet tho…cant be possible sef…btw sha, if ur thinking of solving this lil girl’s mystery, just provide me wiv a very nice watch…no fake thaings abeeeeeeg! if u can not afford a very original time-piece, pls dont bother, other things will do…i’m humble oooooo but hmmn hmmn, a fake timepiece may suffocate me…me sef won buy watch for pikin…thanx…On to the next one…u knw m serving yeah, yeah! ts the 21st of March, so my head is calculating what my allowee will be goin in2…a watch (SWATCH thaings) or perfume sha! chei…m still owing o….dts btw tho….Most importantly, my mind is filled with what 2mao will/myt bring…ts a thursday…thinking i shld fast..good yeah? yeah good…(i cant think straight oooo, ears feel lyk they flying..) wa’eva mehn…..my spirit has refused to write sumfng moveable…m proud of those writers sha….does this mean i’m dull? r u answering?..did i ask u?…*hiss*….but seriously tho, i cant relate with some of the things they write sha..how do they even come about those things…anyways sha, i believe God has created us for different reasons and has given us different brains for different purposes…At this juncture (Note: Yoruba pple, its not junction), i implore you, yes you prying into my private life to go and get urself something worthwhile to do…

 

THE ULTIMATE SHIX!

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Once in everyone’s lifetime, at least once, we’ll experience the ultimate shix…m not talking bout those silly childish fb or twitter BS…naaah…m talking bout real shix here…well-formed shix….What some people call ‘byproducts of digestion’, some of which come out thick, loose, and in different colours. This particular ‘ultimate’ shix also doesnt come out in a particular way, well known for its diverse nature. theres a similarity in everyone’s case tho-everyone of the over 6billion people in this world – the fact that the shix considers not one’s age, status, wealth, religion, gender or even present environment – that ultimate shix, indeed!  If you havnt experienced this particular type of shix, meeeehn, ur either not human or Sango’s saving the worst for you. I remember sometime in my junior secondary school. The last day of the term i think. trust Q.C babes, one million and one ‘junks’ to take home, afterall, it was the last day of school. Another feature of the day was that both gates were usually extremely full, i think back gate especially, where Seyi had available one of the best ever made barbeque for sale. I had to chill for Mr. Azeez (our F1-compliant driver) to come take me home. Seyi’s corner was always too tempting and almost irresistible. Anyways, since Mr. Azeez decided to come later than usual, and chic had more than enough doe, i opted for Seyi’s ‘point and roast’ barbeque. Those thick tantalizing ketch-up ridden turkey parts were never ready made. You had to wait till its done. I didnt mind at all until my cute ‘ciara-looking’ stomach started singing praise songs to eledumare himself. Barbeque no gree ready, Mr. Azeez sef no gree come. Seyi’s stall, luckily, started seeming empty as many students were leaving already. It felt like i had a concert or circus or something going on in my belly. It rambled faster as the turkey parts deeped in dripping tomato-pepper-and-whatever-mixture made contact with the  fire underneath the grill. Damn! what a smell emanated from the synergy. I couldnt help but dance to the tunes with my butts. After so much adjusting my big butts and stuff, one or two hot stuff dropped in my  i think ‘flirtitude’ panties. Y’all know what happens after that kinda thing drops yeah? Yes! Mosquitoes start flying the fuck around!!! It’s like the smell starts gradually too, first seeking permission to start, then without caution, it’s all over the place. Fxcking smell!!!! Seyi and some of his customers started passing comments and doing the hand-on-nose gesture as if it stops the smell. *hian* I dont know if anyone present there that day thought the smelll came from me. At this time, i was cursing Mr. Azeez already for coming so late. After a while of feeling a little bit relaxed, the real devils in my stomach decided to fully occupy their territory, and the Ultimate happened! Yeah, the Ultimate Shix dropped, SILENTLY! and like a woman who had just delivered after several hours of serious labour, i felt a relief. Then the mosquitoes really started, the smell had finally oozed out too and a miracle happened next, Mr. Azeez showed up, just right beside me!!! I cant remember if i took the barbeque away or not….My sorry axx was up till i got home o!!! And everyone in the car had a share of my ‘nina-ricci’ signatured scent….I remember Mr. Azeez didnt stop looking back through the inner mirror to see if everything and everyone was ‘alright’…. No one said anything about the day tho!

I know y’all can relate to this piece of shix… You may share your ‘ultimate’ shitty moment(s), if u so wish!